neon abstracto

Friday, May 25, 2007

Lord, mercy on thy soul

Today for my GP paper, it described the effects of capitalism: U wanna enjoy ur life, earn more and u can enjoy more. Though in a capitalist state, one may enjoy consumerism and materialism, similar to the passage, we are hardly happy. The more fulfilment one had to his desire may not necessary means one satisfaction to his happiness.

As both of us stepped into each others' life even closer, we tend to understand each other even better. Of course, i'm optimistic. However, I cannot make any decision, any promise. Perhaps now we have been so close that both of us have to start deciding, whether to start of not. It has been to the extent where we're standing at the border: the division between friends and... more than just friends. Still, i cannot make any decision, any promise.

Those around me for example, prevented me from thinking of making such vital decision.

it's not just a decision of SELF anymore, but a decision of US.

It used to be a selfish decision: i could only think of myself. I can only see relationship as a company to spend time and happiness, MY time and MY happiness. Then, it's our present relationship which made me feel that it's even more than that. Had i became so selfish and self-centered? I slapped myself. It's her that taught me i'm not living in my own World anymore. She taught me to look up and look at others. Thus this is why till now i still not ready to make that decision yet.

We may need more time for ourselves, to know each other even better. Of course i wanna know her more first. I'm serious about it. I do not wish to break up like child play. Of course most importantly, i wan her to know me more too. I don wish her to be traumstised that after the relationship she finds herself making mistakes. I scared i make any mistakes. I'm even more scared that she make mistakes. Paranoid, I'm.

Even if we were to give each other more time, actually we don have much time left. Face the fact: soon i'll be on goverment service and she will be at her A' level year. I'll be servicing the nation and she will be battling for her dreams. A breaking point. As I can see, sooner or later, that will be the breaking point. We don have much time now, neither do we have much time later. Even more pessimistic.

Furthermore, having a relationship meant another thing. I gotta admit that if I were to be in a relationship, things will never be the same. From many of those I saw, they start to care less and assume more, they started to love less and hold more, they started to appreciate less and expect more. Then in the end, the pre-relationship happiness and warmth is lost in the relationship. If we wanted to pursue truth, care and love, why do we hurry ourselves into a relationship when we can miss and appreciate each other now?

No more to self, start to think about others. Perhaps, that's one factor which shows maturity (?). Perhaps, it's inevitable that i'm gonna be a man. Gonna miss boy-boy hood, where others will thinks for you.

As we became closer to each other, i getting more difficult to be answerable for her and myself. In college, everytime i don deny that i will miss her and that is why i dunno who should i hang out with at the right time. Somehow, as you not only needs to think about her but also think about your friends too. I also don wan her to draw any bad assumptions.

Just wanna let her know, I appreciated her. I want her to understand.

No matter whether are we in a relationship or not, it's that we appreciate each other that is the most important.

不愿天长地久，只望曾经有过.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Hold Thy hands to feel Thou presence

Seriously, the life now is indeed challenging. Everyday STAR programme all the way, not to mention my Monday and Tuesday. Sometimes i still wonder had i became a systematic cyborg wondering in college 12 hours a day or a student enthusiast to learn.

It's hard, real hard. With all the latargic and confusion, it's difficult to think of any optimism now. Sometimes had i wondered what is it that i was working so hard for, what is it that i'm doing this for? Although I had these answers right in my mind since the first time i joined SR, now these dreams seems to fade.

I started to ask: Is all these pain and suffering worth it?

Now, it seems, that my mission is to keep alive till the end of year.

Just then, at the midst of falling and collapsing, one will lose track on those things which have been silently supporting you and those people who have been quietly cheering you. Now at least, i tried to cheer up everyone who is around me, though i'm confused whether am i really happy at the first place. Yet i know, there are always people who believed that if we were to promote, we shall do it together.

If we were to grow, we shall grow together, and help each other out.

Then that's how she stepped into my life. I do admit that most of the times I'm confused and numb, nevertheless i forced myself to stay awake whenever i was with her. She seems to be one lighthouse, guiding me through, telling me that you are reaching the fruits of success soon. Whenever I was tempted to do the incorrect ones, thoughts of her will auddenly made me self conscious, telling me to do the right thing, even though it is hard. Frequently, her presence interests me, her messages excite me, her blessings warmed me. Yet, nothing can be decided. We only can give each other more time.

The only thing i know is we had stepped into each other's life more frequent now. As much as possible, I will make her happy, glad and fulfilled in anyway possible. To me, this is the only way to show how much i had appreciated her. There's already critics out there saying that i'm emo, yet i do not deny that emo is the factor which made me human. Sometimes i do wish to gave her a warm hugs to thank her for everything. Yet, nothing can be decided, I have to give her more time.

The coming days is gonna be the same, repeating again. Yet, fate still made some uncertainties.

In life, there's always something worth fighting for, worth living for; there's always something worth looking forward to.

As much as possible, i'll have to do the right thing, because in the end, i also wants you to do the right thing, even one day when i was not around.

Miss ya and miss every one too. Btw, let mother's day be everyday.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Sorry and Thank you

Time flies really fast. So fast. It was as if it was just yesterday that i once went through my Orientation, it was as if it was yesterday i met my civic class, it was as if i first met the friends i have now. As if it was the first time i have the warm sensation of love and care. Missing it, treasuring it.

Till now i just realised there were many mistakes i made in the past. I dunno what grave mistakes i had made, yet i know i had done something wrong. I apologise to the World for my arrogance which failed me to notice the slightest sensitivity in others. I apologise to the World, for my ignorance which shrouded me path to grow and mature. It is so contradicting, we'll entered into the next phase of our life soon, it's undeniable. I wanna be a Man, yet a boy.

I met this girl during the Orientation. Starting, she was just an ordinary friend to me. Yet as we stepped closer into each others life, we notice the similarities we had and the diferences we believe. Yet it was she who taught me what care and love really was.

We may be the teacher of others, in the end we still have to be the students of others too.

Although Orientation was over, yet i dunno why always we have to reasons to meet. I was stunned that till now we still be able to meet up together, regardless whether is there any reasons. It was these few days that i felt something which i had never felt before, for a long long time.

Still remembered the first time i had feelings for someone. Thoughts of her lit my life when i seeped into darkness and i felt the warmth when i was drentched in the rain. In the end nothing turns out right, in the end i lost the light and warmth, in the end i was forced to see in the dark and tolerate the cold. In the end, it does not matter anymore. Now it does not matter anymore too.

Yet, it was my this friend who gave me the feeling which made me really a Man, a human. It was then i realised i was actually a cold hard block of ice trying to hide something from within. Although my past doesn't anymore, I'm still trying to hide it. All along, it was hiding inside me, lost, waiting to be found.

A small greeting or blessing from her may seems little, yet she made me felt the warmth and care. It was she which gave me back the feeling i had before.

For once, it was as if i was back in love with someone again. Yet, not just ordinary one like before, but love with responsibility and strength.

Before, i love selfishly, wanting to be with my crush forever. Childish and selfish. However, this time the feeling of passion is filled with responsibility. She has a life of her own, she has her own favour, she has her own responsibility: I respect her.

Now, she was no longer an ordinary friend, but a special one who sparked my life. It was her who brought me back to life again. When you thanked me for your birthday, i was so touched. Because in the end, i should be the one thanking you instead.

你给了我以前所失去的感觉.

You re-borned me. Thank you. Now i shall move on.

May the love and passsion be showered upon others to warm the winter and lit the dark