neon abstracto

Friday, May 25, 2007

Lord, mercy on thy soul

Today for my GP paper, it described the effects of capitalism: U wanna enjoy ur life, earn more and u can enjoy more. Though in a capitalist state, one may enjoy consumerism and materialism, similar to the passage, we are hardly happy. The more fulfilment one had to his desire may not necessary means one satisfaction to his happiness.

As both of us stepped into each others' life even closer, we tend to understand each other even better. Of course, i'm optimistic. However, I cannot make any decision, any promise. Perhaps now we have been so close that both of us have to start deciding, whether to start of not. It has been to the extent where we're standing at the border: the division between friends and... more than just friends. Still, i cannot make any decision, any promise.

Those around me for example, prevented me from thinking of making such vital decision.

it's not just a decision of SELF anymore, but a decision of US.

It used to be a selfish decision: i could only think of myself. I can only see relationship as a company to spend time and happiness, MY time and MY happiness. Then, it's our present relationship which made me feel that it's even more than that. Had i became so selfish and self-centered? I slapped myself. It's her that taught me i'm not living in my own World anymore. She taught me to look up and look at others. Thus this is why till now i still not ready to make that decision yet.

We may need more time for ourselves, to know each other even better. Of course i wanna know her more first. I'm serious about it. I do not wish to break up like child play. Of course most importantly, i wan her to know me more too. I don wish her to be traumstised that after the relationship she finds herself making mistakes. I scared i make any mistakes. I'm even more scared that she make mistakes. Paranoid, I'm.

Even if we were to give each other more time, actually we don have much time left. Face the fact: soon i'll be on goverment service and she will be at her A' level year. I'll be servicing the nation and she will be battling for her dreams. A breaking point. As I can see, sooner or later, that will be the breaking point. We don have much time now, neither do we have much time later. Even more pessimistic.

Furthermore, having a relationship meant another thing. I gotta admit that if I were to be in a relationship, things will never be the same. From many of those I saw, they start to care less and assume more, they started to love less and hold more, they started to appreciate less and expect more. Then in the end, the pre-relationship happiness and warmth is lost in the relationship. If we wanted to pursue truth, care and love, why do we hurry ourselves into a relationship when we can miss and appreciate each other now?

No more to self, start to think about others. Perhaps, that's one factor which shows maturity (?). Perhaps, it's inevitable that i'm gonna be a man. Gonna miss boy-boy hood, where others will thinks for you.

As we became closer to each other, i getting more difficult to be answerable for her and myself. In college, everytime i don deny that i will miss her and that is why i dunno who should i hang out with at the right time. Somehow, as you not only needs to think about her but also think about your friends too. I also don wan her to draw any bad assumptions.

Just wanna let her know, I appreciated her. I want her to understand.

No matter whether are we in a relationship or not, it's that we appreciate each other that is the most important.

不愿天长地久，只望曾经有过.