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HOPE

Hmm well, today has many things to mentioned about. Perhaps these few days had many short stories to share. Everyday have to accumulate a few to keep my blog survive though.

Firstly is Today's chemistry paper. Today's paper only has one word to describe: catastrophic. Suddenly everything seemed to be collapsing. Indeed, this may be the final test that had put upon me, yet most likely i'm gonna fail it. I have been studying chemistry, mugging the TYS inside out outside ( ok maybe not to the extent that i even mugged the syllabus requirement yet, but still...) still i can't make it for today's paper. Somehow i wondered how does the Chemistry teacher survived. Perhaps they really practice the taboo to burn the TYS into ashes and drink it with water? Well, perhaps so, but i won't do it. Not because I don believe that superstitions ( i'll practice it IF i'm desperate), but i don think my liver can take it though. Eating papers is alright (?), but ashes? Oh thx, no.

Secondly is the boredom. Though i know that now can be termed the 'desperate period' for mid year. For those desperates they know what it meant. This is the last minute mugging time, one have to be wise to make FULL use of time available to do the last minute sprint. Yet this few days when i was mugging, i suddenly realised something.

Of all the hardwork you put in, what is it that you are working for? Is it something worth working for, is it something worth fighting for?

It's scary but true. Such a thought actually can be deadly, cos it hinted that pessimism already started to grow on you. However, it is not absolute negative either. It can be healthy to think of this frequently too. It made me asked myself what actually m i pursuing and fighting for. Why are u studying so hard? Why are you putting in so much work? Mid year? A lvl?

No, it's all about hope. It's the shadow of success where we normally neglected, yet it is the important element that helped us succeed.

Thare are many times i wished to drop a message to see how she's doing. Still, i prefer to keep our timing to after 6. Somehow i can sense what she's doing every afternoon and know her routine already. Napping in the afternoon is a good idea :) She needa study though.

Lastly, it's one small yet annoying thing: ANTS ARE INVADING MY TABLE!! Well, long story, but simply it started with dunno when ants started to scout around my table. Ever since for dunno what, I've been engaging different strategies against their colony. It seems even i engaged a genocide against them, they still continuing crawling around. 2 things i learnt: Ants pursue their dream no matter what AND Ants have no brain. I have recorded a chronicle of events about the it:

DAY 1 - 24TH JUNE 1300H

Today something seems different. Suddenly my table seems to have more life than ever. It has been for 1 mth and i still haven figure out the source of their invasion. Had Ants really revolting against nature and fighting against man?! Don't know and i don think i ll know. Yet still haven notice any significant pattern to their attacking tactics yet. They're still scouting around, though some bit me. Well, can't blame me accidently squash ya comarades with TYS right?! Hmm, still observing for pattern, hope their trail lead me to something. PEACE V(",)
- never underestimate things that are small.

NEW BLOG SKIN!

Hey guys out there! Here's the last day of reivision ald!! Haha don be so pessimist though, it's the beginning of the exam soon! Hmm, tell urself that there're many programmes up for ya after the exam, look towards it!

Oh before i forget, SORRY JANICE!! Haha you would have noticed that your name was striked out at the FRIENDS column. Well that wasn'e deliberate! Haha do tolerate it till i figure out how to settle that k!

Comical yet accidental, wonders of life.

The Language of the World

Recently i just bought a book: The Alchemist, to kill some time that i had apart from studying. These few days are tormenting: everyday your heart will tell yourself that as each day passed, the mid year will be drawn one step nearer. It seems to have been cultivated as a reflex thought. I wonder how others managed to overcome such extreme mental challenges, though i have not heard from a lot of them for quite some time.

The Alchemist, spoke of a boy who had an extraordinary dream. His dream, was not just an ordinary one. It's his destiny. Now what attracts me most is that the boy's dream is a metaphor of out dreams in life. In his journey to pursue towards his destiny, he encountered many challenges and philosophies. Of course least expect any action-pack fightings which fan of the matrix: reloaded is gonna be very disappointed, yet he encountered is what we had, or going to encounter in our life: mental challenge.

There will be a time in life when even though we are on the right track to pursue our dreams, we are not satisfied with the results exchanged by our hardwork, in which we will give up the dream we had at the first place
- The wise king told the boy, hinting him to be strong in his journey.

At first, this sentence appears as a super duper long and complicated one that i nearly gave up thinking that only people who are really wise as the king can understands it. Actually, the boy actually understands it. So may be i think i can?

It's simple, just by fragmenting it: There are times when we are tested on our journey in life. Certainly many will heard of: you reap what you sow. Similarly, as we pursue our goals in life certainly we are going to face challenges and encounters. Just like everything nature does: balance of life. You know that you will be satisfied with the goals and treasures you are pursuing, equally you have to put in as much pain and hardwork to exchange for the later joy and satisfaction.

Just like now, we are on our point of the crossroad. After years of education, we had finally reached the bridge over the cliff to the university. All of us know that from the first day we stepped into the junior college, we only have one aim: to get in to the university. We were told that when we get into the university, our education will be more expertised and more prefessional, more easier and more flexible. Indeed it is one satisfying experience to pursue. When you stepped out of the university, your life mostly are shaped for the better. The rest will be of your luck and personality. Indeed, when i entered and left the university with a degree, my life has been eased by half.

Now we have reached the period of judgement: Do I want to get into the university?

In your life, you will learn many lessons. Yet, God will put a final test on you, which you will have to apply what you learnt and be wise, for then you will fulfil your dream.
- The Alchemist tell the boy, as they were crossing the desert with uncertainty

Perhaps this is the final test. Painful? Yes. But in the end, make your efforts worth it.

All the best to everyone out there, trying hard to pursue their dreams. Only through trying, then you know which is the wrong way to take.

Never stop trying. Never give up.

Feelings beyond the horizon, thoughts deeper than the sea

Dunno why these few days were a little troubled. A little bit or irritation here and there with a little short tempered lately. Fortunately, i'm still able to hold back myself, being tolerant a little. Otherwise i'll be one step closer to hypertension and one step closer to schizophrenia.

Well, this is quite normal during pre-exams period. Ever since last year's mid year, whenever the period before any major exams, there'll be always near system breakdown situation. Till now i ve accepted it as a norm, so WILL NEVER break down.

Yet it is these few days that we are even closer and knew each other more too. Although in my eyes she's always the optimist one and the torch which light up my life, it is my selfish consciousness which failed to spot details that made me so ignorance towards her needs. Actually these few days she's stressed up with her life too. Yet i failed to notice that thus talked to her like as if i expected consolation from her. I still have many more things to learn though.

It's then i realised, even the torch needed another torch to light her up at the first place:

What goes around, comes around.

When u need someone to be with you, first u need to be with that someone too. Now I have to learn to be more careful and observant too.

I do not want just only she's with me everytime I needed someone, but also I'd want to be with her whenever she needed me most too.

Later it taught me that communication is important. Of course sometimes i have the tendency to keep things to myself, thinking that it's my problem thus others do not have to know about it. Then i realised that my this 'wise' decision was actually a selfish one. Will she be happy whenever she knows that I'm troubled by something in mind which I'd refused to tell her? This time i really forced myself to put me in her shoes. Indeed, I'll never feel good. Now it's not just I do the hearing, looks like i have to participate in contribution too.

Looks like now it's not just care and thought for her at my own hypothesis but by another alternative method:

Sometimes to know accurately how actually other feel, is to put ourself into the other person's shoes.

She's one special person to me. One of those i care for and hold dearly most. Furthermore, during our relationship, we learn from each other more, which made us understand each other even closer. Indeed, I have learnt a lot from her. There's words are beyond description on how much she was to me.

Now i'm thinking will I be able to let go when time comes?

Feelings beyond the horizon, thoughts deeper than the sea.

Memories: Sweet yet bitter things

Despite both of us are freed from schooling, we hardly have time to meet up during holidays too. Then we have lectures and tutorials to attend. Now we have our Mid year exams to catch. When i heard that she wants to study when i bluffed her to come out next week, I was so relieved. She knows her direction. She never gives up and eventually she'll excel to her best ability. If she needs help, I'm more than willing to help her too.

Yesterday we meet up to catch a movie together. We have fun. The movie was hilarious and knowing that i'd not chose the wrong movie to make her happy, I was so relieved. Then we found a place to slack the rest of the evening after stuck up in the cold movie house for so long. We even took some photos there. I can say that those are the first few photos we took while together. There's one very meaningful one too.

Those photos will leave a deep memory in me. For my days with her, I could not describe how much she meant to me. I've always appreciate her presence and telling myself never to take her for granted. Initially it started in a spark: She was the first person which i can felt the true warmth which i'd lost for long time. Then later, it happened as both of us wanted to know each other more. Now, we knew each other even more though. Yet the difference is we were even closer than before.

Yet when I heard some songs over the FM, with sudden thoughts of her, suddenly i felt saddening. Everyday I've missed her presence. Yet i always told myself to give her space and myself some private moments to console myself. It's sweet when I finally met up with her however at a more painful expense. Then I was thinking what will happened when our time together was up.

I know that eventually we will reach our cross-road. Soon I'll be serving the goverment and she'll have to study for her A's. Furthermore our departing period is not short, 2 long years. It was saddening to know that though we may have our happy moments now, soon these will fades to bitter memories.

There are times when i tell myself I've to stay strong, because if she was around, she will want me to be strong too. We shall believe in ourselves now, and even when she was around, she will wants me to think that way too. Indeed, she was a torch of optimism which sparked my life. Whenever I looked at her, I saw life and hope.

Now i can only say this:

Remember the past, hope for the future and cherish the present.

I could not express how much she was to me now. I can only say that I was thinking of her every day. She thanked me yesterday. I was so touched. I should thank her more instead.

There are some things i wanted to tell her; I wish I could. You will know when time comes.

All da best for the coming Mid-year's, play hard study hard. I shall be there for you, miss ya.

The REASON

Other than latest Avril's WHEN YOU'RE GONE, this's gd. Last time when i heard this beautiful song, I neglected it's meanings and deleted the song without hesistation. For now then i understand the beauty of each phrase and the wonder of the whole song, for i now realised i have the reason to do things now: it's you.

The Reason

I'm not a perfect person
as many things I wish I didn't do
but I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I go

that I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
it's something I must live with everyday
and all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears

that's why I need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you (X4)

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I go
that I just want you to know
found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
a side of me you didn't know
a reason for all that I do
and the reason is you...

May others have found their reasons to to do the right things in life. Enjoy!

Separate thy presence bonded thy heart

Finally had reached the last day of holiday lessons. Although i claimed that holiday lessons the best timetable i had in SR since last week, attending 9am lesson, now then i realised it's not that perfect afterall. This week gotta even be in college by 730, that's totally no difference from normal college day too! Somehow or another, waking up for 730 lesson was tormenting and the day was latargic. Hmm may be because of the fatigue vicious cycle?

Recalled the principal's rally attended last week, one of his words left a deep impression:

On the things we always want to avoid, we are tempted to find excuses and reasons for it.

Well, sounds logical. At least i saw most of my friends does that. It's just like some of us encountered when studying for the coming exams. 'It's still early...' and I'll do it later...' had became a common phrase among us. Well, it's never early to start now, but don wait till too late though.

Even me myself was guilty of such habits too.

Sometimes i asked myself, "what is the use of knowing the many bad habits yet i'm still cultivating it?"

Some said that i had seen many things, yet I only can say i had not seen enough. Though some claimed to learn my habits, there are still many things i had to learn.

Yesterday, we finally able to draw out sometime to spend lunch together again. despite we may spend lesser time than the previous occasion, I'm glad that we can even draw out time at all. Now even during holidays we seems to even more pack. Council participation adds on to my timetable and i don wish to intervene into her provate time too. Perhaps this shall be the challenges, yet i'm not surprised though.

Though I mentioned our time together was precious, i was guilty that at time i could not fully put my attention on her too. For instance yesterday, during our lunch, half the time i was sub-alive. Why? I keep telling myself: cos got history test, that's y i not enough sleep... Idiot, didn't even score well for that test and still have the guts to think that way. Well, indeed i studied for the test and really didn;t did well, however i should not even had thought that way too. Should have treated out time together more seriously. Though she doesn't seems mind at all, but I minded it all. She don have to say anything, I don feel good towards it too.

Perhaps we have to be more honest towards ourselves, that to prevent us form adopting that bad habits. Still remembered last year when i failed my history exams consistently, I keep lying to myself: it's because i have no history background. Yes, i didn't had, but that's not the reason i failed. It's because i think that way then that's why i failed. hmm, looks like we cannot underestimate the power of thoughts: mind over matter. Now i'm thinking: how am i going to score history?

Still remembered i msg her: do you regret what we had tgt now? 'no ...' she replied. Though she means it, yet i was thinking if i had done the right thing at the first step. Now she guide me to the right thing even more.

There are somethings i waished to tell her; i wish i could.

Misses, refrain; hold ya, restrain

The school break had stared for a week now, however the break doesn't seemed to be like one. Still gotta wake up at 7 everyday, go to college to attend lesson till 3pm. Shucks, sometimes i start to wonder if this month suppose to be a school break afterall. Well, it used to be a 'school vacation' during the secondary school times. Yes, time has changed.

Though I ponder over the idea of school vacation, I still constantly remind myself of the coming mid-year. 'race is 3-quarters already~ time to start your engines...' yeah thanks Mr Hon, always with his engine anology. For the past few days i 've been chionging my work to finish the revision as soon as possible, so that i can earned a few hours of free time for myself. From the progress now, huh! Long way to go. I'll be delighted even if i can finish my revision on time. Shucks x2

Still, I dunno if this is a good thing. Somehow I feel like i'd neglected her. Well, not really neglect in the sense, but tends to miss her more. Though we've been consistently contact with each over over the sms evey night, sending wishes at least, yet the sensation is quite weird when didn't gotta meet her for the past few days.

There are times were i even wonder if i'd done the right thing. Difficult, it is. She also has her mid-year to prepare too. I don blame her if she wanted to spend more time on her studies since that's the first major exam she's gonna taste, and if not prepared well, it's gonna taste sour for sure. Thus it has been quite difficult to find time to match her's to even come out to spend a lunch together. Furthermore, our timetable these days, really got nothing to say.

Yesterday night she told me about her past. At that time, though she reasoned that she respected me and had to tell me all those, I sensed mixed feelings from her too. Perhaps she's finds that I had to know all those, she respected me. Yet i didn't feel that i should know those stuff too.

Everyone has a past, yet it's only those that you should let go then you can move on.

There're times where I thought of my past too. The days... Yet i realised that i have to let them go. Hmm, perhaps I've not met her if i didn't let it go.

It's by letting things go that give other things in life a chance.

Still, i sensed some other mixed feelings from her. Thus that night i blamed my insensibility that she needs comfort, though finally both sounds alright and cheery. I should stop assuming that everyone should be like me, able to drop things and go that easily. I will not blame her if she wishes to hold part of her past: I'll only say it's not healthy for both of us. Still I'll not blame you.

Perhaps, it's the time restrain that refrained us from seeing each other. Yet that shall be a challenge. I only can know her even more if we were to see ech other more.

I told her before:
Though we may be distance apart, yet out hearts are nearer than before.

Trust me, i can sense you very easily. Talk to me. Miss ya.