Love the Sun before Dusk and Love the Moon before Dawn
I remembered i received a touching e-mail, saying that sometimes we take everyday for granted. Just like whenever we goes to bed every night, we knows that the moon will rise again tomorrow's night and whenever at dusk, we will know that the Sun will rise again the next day. It is as if tomorrow will forever the Sun will rise and so is the Moon. Had we know the beauty of natural phenomenon of a lunar eclipse and the transformation of the Moon every night? Just like when we looked at all the things and people around us, we know that they will be there tomorrow. We assumed.
It was last Saturday's night that i realised the importance of every moment of your life. That time i was returning home from my Council's party. Tell u, the place is freaking deserted. The bus stop stand luminously in the darkness, just like that you saw in the horror movie. Still, be disappointed that i did not encounter any unnatural phenomenon, but then suddenly came roaring of bikes. Some bikes made a U-turn and stopped at the bus-stop oppositely mine. 3 a group? came more and more. Seems like they are having some gang gathering. Though I'm confident that nothing will assume to have happen if I do not do anything funny, I will not be spared if there's anything happen. Then she's the first person that flashed across my mind. I still have a promise to sms her when i get home. I have to live to go back.
Our relationship has been nearly for a month now, soon. It was such short time, that we only really met up properly once. Thinking back at how did we actually initially get together, it was almost as if we were told in each other's eyes that we were expecting each other already. It was almost naturally occurred. For some reason, unknown, she gave me the reason to love a person again, after that feeling was frozen in time long long time ago.
Still when I looked forward, it was indeniably that our time is gonna be challenging soon. Short-term, she has her final promotional Exam to take: it will decides whether she will stay with me till i finished my A' level, or even better, a hope that someone will receive me after my NS. Long-term, I will be enrolled sooner than i thought, more or less mentally prepared, yet the most i can't let go is her. Thinking that I for full 3 months I can only feel her through short messages, I will not know what will happen to her when she needs someone most.
It was the breaking point which i was trained to be a man, yet at the same time, failed the principle to be a man - to be with her when she needed someone most.
I do not wish to make that choice, there's still time.
I was so proud of her. Although there are times she said her results not as good as mine, she don wan me to be disappointed by her cca, I'm still proud of her. I was proud of her because she was willing to accept me, willing to love me, even though i told her our time WILL definitely be hard right from the start. I admire her courage admire her persistent. To me, it's the spirit that counts. I never regret by being together with her. She was a gift to me.
Soon we will have to make a choice. It will be a difficult choice.
If I care, I will come out and find her; if she cares, she will wait for me: Now i'm gonna say that i will come out to find her, what's her choice?
I encouraged everyone not to love the Sunshine only when it was Dusk and love the Moonlight only when it reaches Dawn.
May God have mercy on thy souls. 2 fates are in his hand. Love ya.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
When you are gone
Yesterday can be said as our proper date. Although the time may be short, the time we spent is fulfilling. Perhaps actions do speaks louder, or even more meaningful than words, thus i used actions to expressed my feelings towards her.
Yesterday is one day which i will never forget. I hope now she must have felt reassured that i loved her. She meant so much to me now. It's some secret we both had, just like this song, only both of us understood it the most.
Love ya, I miss you. Avril Lavigne: When you are gone
I always needed time on my own I never thought I'd need you there when I cry And the days feel like years when I'm alone And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now
[ Chorus ] When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missing you When you're gone The face I came to know is missing too When you're gone The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok I miss you
I've never felt this way before Everything that I do reminds me of you And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor And they smell just like you, Ilove the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now
[Chorus ]
We were made for each other Out here forever I know we were, yeah All I ever wanted was for you to know Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah
[ Chorus ] When you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you When you're gone the face i came to know is missing too When you're gone the words i needt o hear will always get me throughthe day and make it ok I miss you
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
It Ends tonight
Finally, today's the 20th Investiture. Finally my terms of office ends. When i looked at other councillors, they all shed tears even before the event started. Some shed the tears of fulfillment and achievement, some shed that of missing the good old days. Indeed there's a mixture of emotions, mixture of good and bad.
Indeed i should be happy that my term of office finally ended. Perhaps human adaptation indeed is slow, it seems that only just these few days i enjoyed being the councillor: the one who the class people looked up to, the one my peers looked up to and most importantly, my own person i looked up to. It seems that just only these few days that i realised that i have to work hard being a councillor, i told myself to thrivee for the best in whatever i do. Yet now it seems everything had ended. However, I have not regret my term in office. It's in council that i'd seen the real world order the system is functioning, which in deed every actions of one individual has an impact on another. Those fellow councillors did left a footprint in my life. Each unique, each special.
On the other hand, I may be gonna miss my status as being the councillor. Jokingly, I used to be the boss in the class, looks like now the class rep is going to dominate the class. There's no political conflict nor the cold war, just trying to adapt as a commoner in the class. Looks like i'll have to thrive in my acedamics to be the boss once again. I may have retired, yet the spirit still live within me.
Most importantly, now i have to face the coming waves of challenges with optimism. In the past, I may use council events as a reaosn to bluff myself for the poor expectations i received, yet now the only reason that i fail is gonna be myself. With the stepping down today, it can meant that i have retired and may not receive the attention as a councillor anymore, yet nevertheless, it meant more freedom in expression and more flexibility in choice. Perhaps now it's time for me to work doubly hard to make up for all the academic losses in the past. Since others can strive, why can't i?
Never give up without a fight
Furthermore, most importantly is that in the past, I've been married to council and now with the subsequent separation, I'm officially a part-time student and part-time lover. These few days I thanked her to spend my every night with me. I'd admire her when she's willing to be with me bravely even knowing that our time together will be a challenge. I'm so proud that I'm with a person like her. Although these few days our contact is to the minimum due to her other activities, yet i believe that as time comes, we will have more time with each other. Now her dream has become part of my dream, and i shall help her to acieve her dreams.
Now only these song can describe the feelings now: It Ends Tonight - ALL AMERICAN REJECTS
Monday, July 09, 2007
Easy to be said, difficult to be done
It have been for 2 days now, still i haven gave her a call. Though i was disappointed with myself over it, not able to face it honestly, yet there are certain things easier to be said than to be done.
I remembered the last time i watched BLACK HAWK DOWN, the army shared his hometown experience with his comrades. Whenever he returned home from Eutopia, his friends and family will always asked him why didn't he gave up fighting? Why risked himself fighting with someone else's endless war? Then he said: I'll always kept quiet, because no matter how hard i can try to explain it to them, they will never understand. Indeed, many will criticise me for not being honest: i accept that. But they won't understand why.
Still, it's not to face something which you had done wrong that matters, but it's that i have disapppoint a buddy that matters.
Somehow if you had notice, the closer that person to you, the less 'apologise' this word seems to exist.
I still remembered coming across a scene where the daughter apologised to her dad yet her dad only said: in the family, the worst is to say sorry. To me, along with some other friends, we use to look out for one another. Though now, i didn't know if it's still possible and neither wanna know what blew it up.
There're many things easier to be said than done. Seems like this time i choose to stay quiet. For what i wanna tell her she already knew, now what's her choice?
May God looked after everyone of us.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Forgivance in Confession.
I still remembered once Mrs Kok shared with us one of her wise thoughts: Life is all about choice. Indeed, life is all about choice and in your life is either you made your own choices or others made that choice for you. Me, i'm more comfortable making my own choice.
Of course, in life you have to make difficult choices. One that may be right to you yetincorrect to others, and today i'd made that choice. I practically screwed up everything. I choose to went off attending to other matter yet undermining the planning from others. In the end, I favoured one side and flared up the other, choices is never that easy.
I'd remembered one time where our deputy heads falred up on us during a national day rehearsal at East Coast. At that time, everyone was both stunned and shocked. Then at the end of the day, she was pretty gloomy that she had screamed at us, feeling bad about it. Then i remembered telling her:
Do not regret what you have done, because at that time you think it was the right thing to do therefore you had done it.
Indeed, everyone wanted to do the right thing. So do I. So in the end, didn't know that the programme was ending soon, I went back to receive thrashing. I know that I will gonna receive thrashing. My dep. Head still asked me why I came back?! In the end everything comes with a give and take. I choose to undermined it, I know what will happen and I'm willing to take the price. Thanks Mr Principal, you thought me that. I'll never ever forget how you teach that to me.
However in the end everything turns out differently. Everyone seemed different than I thought. The heads knew that I did that for a reason and respect my reason, the I/C willing to forgive me for what I'd done. Suddenly every attitude seems to have changed. It is no longer the attitude to confess nor the attitude to forgive, but the attitude to understand. I thought that not informing anyone is a good thing, yet to them informing someone is necessary. I thought that I owe them an explanation yet to them is more of understanding each other.
No one cares about you until they know how much you care for them.
Indeed, I agree that it's true. Now participating in the coming investiture is no longer participating with responsibility but with the sense of belonging. I have to work even harder to compensate the loss today. For a collective beautiful close, we have to.
If everyone was as understanding, the World is gonna be an even more wonderful place.
Still have one more friend to apologise to, and soon, still have one more highly devine to face regarding my SGC. He has played me long enough.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Numb
Well, for don't know why these few days have been feeling a bit numb. Suddenly everything seems not important anymore. Is is a sign that there's no hope anymore? Or is it a flash light to remind me what is it that i worked so hard for, fought so hard to achieve. Whatever the reason is, the sensation is tormenting.
There's always the fear that the weight i'm carrying is going to collapse. The fear is not about the load callapsing, but falling upon you. Every moment sure you will be thinking whether you have completed your revision and ever time you finished revising, there'll be a soft inner voice telling you that the revision is not enough.
Though my exam only stretches for 2 weeks, it's already worrying enough. Despite the abundant last minute revisions, the worry stretched longer. Somehow i missed the days where i just needa take one paper for each subject. Furthermore is not just the work, but catching up with friends too. Somehow or another, priorities seem to have changed. As everyone re-directed their course to fully-academic based strategy, seems like i can't call anyone out till- A' level's over? Shucks, thanks to exam.
Yet for this exam period i'm not losing anything, more on missing everything. Things gonna change, like it or not, gonna change with it. Perhaps this is the transition state, still i gotta change with it. I promised myself after the exam i'll find more time for myself, and that includes promising to accompany wherever she wants to too! :) Provided that the college wil bee more merciful to give me more time in the new timetable too.
Now there's no many mixed emotions, so many problems unsolved so much worries to suspressed.
When the problems you have now is not solved, it does not meant it cannot be solved, but it's meant to be solved later.
I thanked her for being with me every night to accompany my days. I simply just enjoy spending time with her, doing nothing fantastic, but able to feel that she's around with me i shall be contented. Although at most we exchanged sms every night, at this point in time, I'm very glad that she still thought of me at all! Still rmb the ants? They taught me something:
When you are heading towards your destination, do not fail to look around and enjoy the beautiful things around you.
Hold me tight, don't let me drift away. I had seen you, don't let my eyes drift away.
May you find your purpose in life. All the best! ONE MORE WEEK!
YOUR NAME
change the pic if you want.
Kiatiano
18 Aug
Single and available, please Q
