neon abstracto

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Thou shall not repeat thy mistakes

This few days seemed to have seen my dear for quite sometime. Although i'll complain that the exam period is long, so much time left everyday despite i re-confirmed myself that I've studied enough, i do thank the grace period granted to me everyday such that i can put those time aside to place my priority on my dear. It's for the more time i've for myself now that i can manage my everyday more appropriately, rest assured to go out now.

However, time may be granted unto me but not her. To her, every period now means a big difference. It can mean she'll stand a better fighting chance for her coming promotional exam or time wasted unknowingly. Still, I do not know how's her work going, though i'm assured that her scores are picking up little by little now. I believe that she'll do it.

When i looked at the time we had spent together, feel so long yet so short. I feel it was so long because i gotta hear from her everyday. Everyday, i will think of her and every night i'll tell her how much i missed her. It gives me a powerful committment that i gotta work harder that in the future, I gotta be a good man, able to give my family a happy life. Most importantly i shall not be tempted to take her for granted, which can poison my attitude towards her. On the other hand, everything seems so short because we're together for only 2 months. There're times where i try to convinced myself despite our 2 months, we'd known each other enough. Not true.

Sometimes i feel like I'd failed to be her partner: despite me able to keep in contact with her everyday, it seems that she hear of me more than i hear more of her.

It gave me a feeling that somehow I'd not know her enough after all.

There are times which I told her that I wanted to be with her she wanted someone most, yet it seems that she would appear when i needed someone most than I appeared. Self-criticism, elements that keeps me working harder to know her more, seems to engulf me slowly instead.

结果我是败给了自己.

If sadness is one sign to show one's adoration: perhaps I'm one of those saddest person in the World. Everyday I'll miss my dear: thinking what she's doing now, what will she be doing later and is she alright today. Everytime shen she was sad I'll console her; although sometimes i'm doubtful whether she'd felt better, I will try my best to cheer her up.

难过：不是因为自己难过而难过，而是太想念她才难过。

Still remember the first time I hold her hand, one that filled with warmth, love and hope. Since then I already told myself that in the future I'll want to hold that hand, with the same feeling, everyday. I'll fill with the same attitude and the same feeling to hold that hand just like the first time.

Just like why I never celebrate our anniversary, because I want to love and give her the best everyday, just like the first day we were together.

She gives me hope: the reasons to live on more meaningful everyday. I wanted to give her back the same hope she gave me. Recently she taught me something:

One will not feel happy despite you're loved, unless you love that person back.

Dear, sometimes not because I didn't wanna forgive the mistakes you made, but it's because I

can't even forgive my own. You are too perfect.

是你，我现在才尝试到什么是幸福快乐。

May one seeked enlightenment to love and to forgive: Dear I love you.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Courage after tragic

Haha i know that i'm not suppose to be here though, still gotta wake up my blog for awhile in case my blog started to rust. Well, these days are a hard period for me. Although now many either enjoying their holidays or mugging during this study break, I seems to go nowhere specific. Somehow i tell myself to study and my study pattern will drop drastically during afternoon, sure i will be wandering doing some other stuff. Perhaps indeed it's challenging for one to sit there for the whole day after all.

somehow i wondered how other's have been doing. The last time i visited the college, saw some of my dudes actually having consultation. For some reason, a sudden wave of fear struck me: others have been soaring in their revision, yet I'm still wondering in the college doing some other stuff, thinking of playing bball or pool? Contradicting yet absurd.

Indeed, it's since then i've been very worried these days. Everytime i leave my chair I'll always think: have I really studied enough? Have I been careless and left out something during my revision? I missed the Secondary school days when I will be very confidently tell myself not to worry for exams, yet i know these time is different. Somehow i seem to lost that confident; hope that i lost is arrogance.

It's because of everyday spent most of the time looking at my texts that made me realise is this the life i ever wanted to have, the life that i used to tell myself i'm prepared for. Everyday i hardly have conversation with any people, except for my ah ma at home or my sis who's seldom at home. Still, even at night where my parent's back, i still gotta revise my work after dinner. Perhaps it's the lost in touch with the world that i began to be even more paranoid, started to think wildly. I started to think the World seems to owe me something and my life seems to fade into darkness, one without a purpose or reason to live. Gosh, no wonder people say jc is the toughest education barrier.

And it's so that i must have made my dear woried the most too. I started to wonder have I been holding onto my dear too much. Every night we would converse with each other and it's my paranoia that made me feel that i've been too demanding out of my dear. Whenever I needed someone she will always be there, which means almost everyday. Thus it made me worried that perhaps i've been buggin her for too long these days too.

Silly, I'm: i was so touched by her. I'm always happy to be with her, she's the one who gave me the hope and reason to look forward each day. It's so silly that I'm such a paranoid. I'm touched by she told me today:

Don't think this way: I'll be always with you the way U'll always be with me when I needed u most.

She's the one who always gave me the warmth and love, which will keep me movin on everyday.

It makes me realised that love is not like doing a trade: i spend this much time with you and you will have to spend that much with me.

Sometimes she said that she's lucky to have me: i'm more fortunate to have her as my gf instead.

It's such a tragic that before the examinations, i've already lost to myself. But with my dear's encouragement and her in my heart, she gave me the courage to pick myself up and move on. I can't imagine what will happen to me without her.

Courage after a tragic, life has to move on. she's with me when i needed someone; I'll be with her when she needed someone most too, my promise to her. Dear i love you always.

May everyone who fall into darkness found their courage to pick themselves up again. Last lap, hang on there :)